I decided: "that's it !
I am turning over a page!
No more self-criticism!
This is a new beginning!
Let bygones be bygones,
Let me start over from here"
So, after more than an year, I decided to write, to try to push away the pessimism. I take up the pen and it rolled down the desk. I try to ask the person next to me to please give me some space, to retrieve my new found hope. She tries to comply but we both end up looking on the floor, while HRH is trying to teach!
That irritates HRH, He asks me to leave the room, I try but finds myself wedged between 5 people. HRH is angry.
Wish I was more confident, Wish I knew that it was just his frustrations, Wish I was not so depressed in the first place.
He shouts at me, I don't hear the words, it feels like his voice is whizzing past me. I try to get out of there. Other students are just staring at him and not even realizing I am trying to get out of the confined space.
It goes on and on. The next day and the day after that.
I should not have given a hoot about what he thought, but damn, I was already depressed.
HRH takes it to be his duty to put me down, to tread on my almost non-existent self-esteem.
Damn, I thought it was important to get a certificate. No! honestly, I knew I didn't have a place to go. And I stayed on there.
It felt strange, nobody cared. Yet, I felt as if someone was supposed to.
At the end, my consciousness could not take it anymore, and it went to sleep.
THE END
Nah, It did not end, I got what I wanted. Somebody to care about me. It was all just attention seeking techniques.
But unless I stop loving people more than they deserve, I don't deserve even self- pity.
